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...And Some Things You Just Give Away.
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[06 Jan 2008|04:43pm] |
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I don't like the background on this anymore.
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| 25 is such a good number :D:D::D:D |
[21 Sep 2005|01:34pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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Veruca Salt in my head |
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oh no.
i feel the cosmos.
wtf
k./
i hung out withhh.. wtf.
i know who i have to kill now.
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[14 Sep 2005|01:02pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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i have to pee.
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[11 Sep 2005|02:01pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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i can't fucking stop.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't even fucking think.
i have sores.. and bruises everywhere.
my arms and legs are so fucking heavy..
And i keep shaking.. twitching..
there's holes everywehre..
i can't remember yesterday. i went to work.
what else?
ate too much.
i'm full of stresssssz.
everything is so predictable.
high school, college, work, drugs, cry.
and he forgets.
it's always so fucking cold.
or maybe it's just numbness. I can't even tell anymore.
and really, i don't fucking care.
i just dont' want to be alone in this.
my mom almost took me to the hostpital.
i don't knwo why.
seh doesn't even know.
i don't need the medicine. doesn't fucking help./
this is all................ fucking
dr. ahmed's fault.
he couldn't ever tell what was wrong.
gavwe me pills, knocked meout.
it never fixed anything.
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[22 Aug 2005|11:12pm] |
I keep randomly feeling like killing myself. I'm not even depressed.. and I don't even have a reason for it.
sometimes... there's some sort of pain in my chest.. and i can't breathe. i get a headache. and sometimes i go numb.
i start crying. for no reason. and i don't remember anything. pinching my arms.. and that temporary skin poison they give you around those ruins. sometimes i'm afraid it won't go away. i used to go there.. my grandmother didnt want me to. i had to wait until the weird bumps on my skin went away.. before i came back. sometimes it looks different. sometimes there's flowers. i remember coming home once. there was a nail sticking out of the framing of a bed. with a black dog's hair twisted around it. and then i saw she died. i cried... until i realized that it's not real. that nothing is real.. and nothing matters.
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[21 Aug 2005|02:41pm] |
k. i'm better.
i was all fucked up on Friday... and it wouldn't go away.. So I started to go a little crazy.
I'm going to be in a catalogue for shoes and stocking and stuff sometime... Since apparently my legs are one of my best features. I'll probably have to go to Chicago for it.
and my agency is pretty sure they're going to get me into CosmoGirl. that'd be hot.
I only have to work 2 days next week.. for a total of 10 hours.. haha. i just fuckin need $500 so i can pay the court back. i think i need more hourez.
i keep forgetting to eat. and this guy from a band i like - Kemical Dreams - is talking to me.. :o and for some reason he had a picture of me saved on his computer? wtf lol.
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| efyuciok syou :MS:D |
[20 Aug 2005|07:35pm] |
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i'm so fuckign pisisise d ofofo godman. ufkc.
i finally an,mm insane now wleek wlelsk :D:D ;sa d :o
i knew i could do it haha esha :D
llaslt night i was driinkign and took 60mg of morpihne sulfate yes a an d it's not gone yet no . iw ant to kill myself for no reason now :o ma ybe it's just a side effect or something ike a hangover .. ;: ad: i should be fucking happy...
keivn he stext messaged me and apologized for not calling me bak c. and he called me today ab we talked for awhiele.
my agency says tbey're gettingss me in to cosmogirl. oh shit oh shit .
i lvoe
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[16 Aug 2005|11:21am] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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I got a job. at funcoland, this video game store.
it's RIGHT next door to where kevin works. i feel retarded because he'll probably think i did that on purpose..
I couldn't help it.. I needed a job, and they hired me.
bruce is out of jail, but i haven't talked to him.
i haven't talked to dillon in months, but he came over yesterday. I hid.
he came back two hours later. he saw me.
he wanted to go somewhere.. i told him to come back in an hour because i need to take a shower.
he came back in exactly an hour. fucker.
i was paranoid. i thought that he was taking me to where people who hate me were going to beat me up.
i asked how he remembered where i live. and he was like 'i recognized the trampoline in the backyard.'
:O i thought he was a stalker. looking in my fuckin windows... bastard.
we went to his apartment. i didn't get beat up.
so, it was cool.
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| Fucking pictures |
[11 Aug 2005|10:57am] |
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mood |
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hyper |
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music |
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Bikini Kill |
] |
http://photobucket.com/albums/v94/sshimmerr/Eyeworks%20Pictures/
there's four of them there right now. tell me what you think.
oh & me and gia pissed a bunch of fat preps off at the creepy crawl. and did a bunch of stupid shit for attentionnnn
bruce is in jail because of me.. oops. i want to visit him, but then i'll have to go back to juvie or something for talking to him. my curfew is gone now, too.
i lost weight.. i'm like... 107 now.
i turned in a bunch of job applications.
and i guess kevin's not pissed or whatever he was, anymore.
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| Twenty-one is such a good number.. :D |
[08 Aug 2005|01:18pm] |
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mood |
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relieved |
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So... I had to get up at 4 AM on Saturday after a night of drinking and morphine at the pool hall. But Dan calls at like.. 3:30 AM and fucking wakes me up :mad: and then him and his friend came over right before we left and went to Joplin.
I had like.. .two photoshoots on Saturday in Joplin, which is like.. 5 hours away. On Saturday I was shooting with two different photographers for 16 hours in a row. This make-up artist was fucking awesome. I have all the pictures from one of the shoots, but I should be getting some from the second one today or tomorrow. I'll post a few then. But then on Sunday we were shooting for like 6 hours or something. I was pissed off near the end.. lol.. :o
but i got signed with Modeling Craze/Muse Productions.. which has the best models in Missouri/the midwest area. I should start making a lot of money soon. klip klop.
I talked to Kevin for a long time last night, and then Bruce came over to his house, so I talked to him a little too. I miss those fuckers. At least Kevin isn't ignoring me anymore. and i'm glad bruce was there, because i was kind of worried about him.
i'm going to the Addien show tomorrow night with Gia. we're going to kill someone in the mosh pit.
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[04 Aug 2005|04:01pm] |
..People are fucking retarded.
Tomorrow night should be awesome..
My mother is fucking insane.
I miss Bruce. I miss everything, for that matter.
My ex is a dumbass. And he's killing his girlfriend.
:DDD
Perfect.
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[30 Jul 2005|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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I think last night was cool. Me and Gia got kicked out of the mall for being in the same bathroom stall together... And then we went to the pool hall.. and I called this girl a fat slut, and her friend started hitting me .. And I was just laughing.. And then I hit her once and she fell down, then got up and ran away. :no:
Then we got drunk.. shit.. I was fucking insane..
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| Twenty-one was not a good number... |
[13 Jul 2005|07:00pm] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
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uhm.
my computer is fucked up. me and Bruce got arrested for a bunch of felonies.. and i was in juvie... and I'm going out with Brandon now... but i'm not expecting things to go well because they never have before. i'm so stressed out.. i just want to go out and not come home like i used to.. I'm thinking of emancipating myself when i turn 17.. but i don't want to wait that long. i don't like having things controlled.. and i was thinking.. maybe when i turn 18, or have saved up enough money.. I'm going to move to Chicago or New York to pursue modeling.. The only thing people notice about me is my looks, anyway, so why not make a career out of it?
people have fucked me up so much that i can't even make myself like anyone, or care about anyone.. The only things i have feelings about are my past now.
people need to get the fuck away from me before i kill them. :mad:
i'm about to flip out. everything i am is just lonely. girls vomit candy and the lies that they're fed :D
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[26 May 2005|12:40am] |
Well it seems that people just like to FUCK ME TAKE MONEY FROM ME AND FUCKINGM IGNORE ME BECAUSE I'M SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT WHORE THAT NO ONE REALLY GIvES A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT.
:Dliasdkfasdjk;fjksdgijskl;dij
I idon't know why the fuck i put up with his shit. Or why I even like him. Because i know I look a lot fucking better than him, and could have anyoen else i want. i feel like i'm going to throw up..
I wish that I wasn't so dysfunctional. i'm a fuck up in every way. i feel so fucking sick... I want to die.. i hate sounding like this.. but... yeah.. Like... I'll never have any emotion again.. never have to feel worthless again..
I wish i had someone to talk to. I hate when people don't even fucking thank me when I GIVE THEM FUCKING MONEY FOR THEIR GAS AND TO GO TO A GODDAMN FUCKING SHOW! :MAD:
gia gave me some drugs to make me feel better. i think i'll indulge myself.
what makes everything really worse.. is that i'm such a hypocrite. about everything.. i hate everything about myself. i kinda want to delete this whole thing. :mad;
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| Kids sure like the devil these days, and I'm the devil with the black dress on. |
[11 May 2005|02:48am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Jack Off Jill - Confederate Flag |
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I love my dog. She's laying on my lap. Making it rather difficult to type. <3333
I'm getting sick of people being indeceisive. I wish I knew everything. But I don't.
I'll still be confused about everything when I'm 30.
And I think that's okay.
I'm more worried about the next couple years right now.
Actually, I'm more worried about tomorrow..
And the next 5 minutes..
Then anything else in this world.
Bruises are back in style, bitch.
I love Jack Off Jill.
I hate sexists.
I adore South Park.
I think Danielle and I are getting sued for something. :DDD The worst that could happen is we get called weird or something. haha.
And I get to hang out with Gia during the Renaissance Faire this year, so I'm quite excited because I love that sexy bitch. :o
Today I apologized to someone for doing something that they deserved... Because I was bored. I'm thinking I should take the apology back. haha.
Uhhh.. and I think Kevin is mad at me or something, even though I was with him on Thursday and Sunday...
i fucking hate it when i don't know if someone is mad or not. i always let people know. why can't everyone else do the same?
fuck what I want, fuck what i need.. :)
My house is so fucking HOT!
Uhm, and good news: I think I finally almost am rid of Aaron and Brian and ... whoever else the fuck obsesses over me that I can't remember right now.
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[01 May 2005|01:29am] |
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mood |
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 angry and crushed bitches, yes |
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music |
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Switchbalde symphoeny - gutter glitter flitter :DDD |
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hahaha ;DDD:
i feel so insane righ tnow. it's like.. nothing happend. its not real ever. eve.r :O if i do it its not real again ever. dddddddddddddddddddddd
wtf i dind't even mean to do that. :no: i feel like i have a cavity face caving in the stellagmites ;O
but seriously. nothing really happened. :o i made it up. yes. BUT THE BLACK RED PURPLE WON'T FADE AWAY YELLOW. FUCK YELLOW :mad: bitching at me to help you, help me, help you. why? I'V EGOT MTY OWN FUCKIGN SHIT TO DEAL WITH YOU STUPID BITCH. lalal alet's get revengers on some guy over A FUCKING MIDDLE SCHOOL BULLSHIT SHIT. :)
i can't do it. not anymore :o i don't even know what's wrong iwht me now. i feel the light and warmth :D:D:D Okay you fucking peps. am i on? no. do i look on? look on fucker. look over them the days itnever was there FAKE FUAKE FAKE FAKE did you? was it you? good.d. die tv man.;mad;
whats this sound that's always there behind my head to teh left side? it soudns a lot like klip klop in motion. keep me out of Iowa. i want to feel the rush of life just once again. but it wont' die i wont' fucking stop die!!!jJ an electronic water drop. yes that's it. always to the left. is this wehre everythig belongs? :Q
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[23 Apr 2005|02:33am] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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L.A. Girl - The Distillers |
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I feel insanity crawling up my throat. :DDD
Does anyone else ever feel that, when they're about to go insane? Like.. .there's a tingling that goes up from inside you and into your throat? :o
I bought a butterfly knife at the mall today. It was only $6. It's not too crappy, either. I got us kicked out, too.. :mad: Because my friend Emily was walking around with a wooden stake and the costumer service lady made her give it to her.. and we were telling her that's what she hunts vampires with..:NO: and hte woman was like "You don't need this." so i picked up the sign on her desk and was like "Well you don't need this." :o and then she got really mad and told me that if she wasn't overage she'd jump over hte counter and kick my ass. :o and then i was laughing and she got more pissed off and made us leave.. :no: so we came in another door. :D
we mugged a mexican guy because he grabbed my boob. we threatened him with our knives and stuff. hahaha. :o and i think i pushed him :o but we made him give us two really cool lighters. one of them is a pair of pants that says "I love you" when you open it.. :o
my mom's driving me crazy again. i tell her not to fucking talk about him but she doens't fucking lisetne when i tell her to do anythign goddamnit.
i was gone all day thursday.. :mad: and I spent all my money. and stole stuff once i ran out. :o
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| Fix me now... |
[13 Apr 2005|05:49pm] |
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mood |
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 intimidated |
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music |
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The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony |
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uhhh....
Kevin and Bruce called me on Saturday.... I guess Kevin is trying to hook me up with his friends now, even though he denies it. It doesn't make sense that he hadn't talked to me in a long ass time.. I don't even know why he still has me in his phone... because he never calls, anyway.
Umm...
I was already high from snorting stuff when I left... But then I got drunk with them, too.. It's funny how them two went upstairs to 'talk' and then when they came back Kevin was like "I'm going to be upstairs for about 30 minutes." and immediately after that Bruce is like "Do you wanna have sex?"
....
Real fucking smooth. I may have been fucked up, but that doesn't make me fucking stupid. More paranoid, if anything. heh.
Then I had sex with Kevin... I think I started it. I had wanted to all night, actually... I think I remember telling him that I like him too or something... :NO: I wish I wouldn't always get drunk faster then everyone else...
People are trying to make me feel bad for that because apparently it made Bruce feel like shit... What the fuck? Why don't I just go fuck all the deprived, starving Ethiopians while I'm at it? Last time I checked, my sex life was my choice - however dumb it is.
I do wonder what greatness it is to have a penis... It must be really fucking excellent, as guys can't even be friends with a girl without wanting to fuck her.
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